Ughhhhh

Here.

From http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3580626.stm:

Boozy bear plunders campers’ beer

A black bear went on a binge at a campsite in the US state of Washington – guzzling down some 36 cans of beer.

Campground workers were stunned to come across the bear sleeping off the effects in their grounds, surrounded by dozens of empty beer cans.

But this was no ordinary case of a bear with a sore head at Baker Lake resort, 80 miles (129km) northeast of Seattle.

He had apparently tried out and rejected the mass-market Busch beer in favour of local brand Rainier.

The bear appeared to have got into campers’ cool boxes and used his teeth and claws to puncture the cans.

Beer trap

Fish and wildlife enforcement Sgt Bill Heinck said the bear tried one can of Busch and ignored the rest – then got stuck into three dozen cans of Rainier.

“We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around,” camp worker Lisa Broxson was quoted by Reuters news agency as saying.

She said the bear was chased away by wildlife agents, but returned the next day.

The agents decided to trap the bear with doughnuts, honey and, of course, two cans of Rainier beer. It did the trick and he was captured.

“This is a new one on me,” Sgt Heinck said in an Associated Press report. “I’ve known them to get into cans, but nothing like this. And it definitely had a preference.”

The One Applebee’s
I went to this Applebee’s the same day I showed up 13 hours late in Fort Wayne at 6AM and met Wm. for the first time. We were both too half-witted from lack of sleep to handle the challenge of thinking of somewhere decent to eat, so we went to Applebee’s. I got nachos without beef, Wm. got either fish and chips or chicken fingers. I want to say fish and chips. I was acting weird and the waitress was amused. Then we renamed it “Snapplebeast,” because I don’t know what the hell an Applebee is. Something like four months later, Wm. told me how he had horribly crippling food poisoning from eating chicken fingers at this Applebee’s four years ago and could hardly move for two weeks. Hmm, he probably didn’t get the chicken fingers, then.

Uno’s
I went here the first time I met the boyfriend’s friends and they fucked up my order. It was pretty good once it actually showed up. I mainly only knew this place for shitty Sbarro-type pizza. I have no idea what I got, as it was fucking February when I went there.

Some Place Everyone Calls Munchies, Even Though That’s Not the Name of It
The salad was recommended to me. I am addicted to the salad. It’s like a regular salad, except with red beans and rice in it. It’s a good salad. I also like the scoopy snacks (really, look at the menu, it says “scoopy snacks”) which are Old Bay seasoned potato wedges with a cucumber dipping sauce. I had a Gardenburger once, which was merely “okay.” Also, they gave me free food on my birthday. They have Fox News on giant TVs and lots of stupid people. WELCOME TO THE HEARTLAND.

Pizza Hut
I forgot how fucking disgusting Pizza Hut is. This one put meat in the breadstick dipping sauce and had glacially paced service. Ecchhh.

The Other Applebee’s
This was a different Applebee’s. I ordered the same thing. I decided I don’t like it very much. Wm. had buffalo wings and I ate some of his celery.

A Place Actually Called Munchies
This place was way different than the other place. Me and Wm. accidentally bumped heads. My salad had meat on it but they made me a new one without making a big deal. I thought a veggieburger with avocado and thai peanut sauce on it would be awesome, but the peanut sauce was just too damn spicy. I drank beer on Sunday and everyone found out you can do that.

Flannigans
FAJITAS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE. They were practically the only non-meat on the menu, and I have an intense conceptual hatred of fajitas. Wm. got a cheeseburger with like four cheeses and BBQ sauce on it, which sounded good, but of course they don’t have veggie patties. This place seemed sort of like a really shitty version of the Winking Lizard or something.

Olive Garden
For some reason right now, I’m thinking about one of those weird hyperregional TV commercials that only people who grew up in whatever part of the country know about. This one is for “Oak Barn,” which I think is a furniture place. They have this slogan at the end of the commercial, where the guy jumps up in the air, and says, “At the Oak Barn, WE. SAVE. YOU. MONEY!” Anyway, when I thought of the Olive Garden, I got “At the Olive Garden, WE. SAVE. YOU. MONEY!” in my head. I have an anecdote relating to the Olive Garden from a different time, but I don’t feel like telling it. Anyway, you know what the Olive Garden is like already. It sucks.

Cebolla’s
The name of this restaurant is Spanish for “Onion’s.” One time I went here and had a really good vegetable quesedilla. The second time I had a lackluster combo plate and a creepy waiter. The service was really frighteningly fast, though.

Spoons!
Spoons! is the awesomest. They have something like five different grilled cheese sandwiches, and a really good quesedilla. No one is ever in this place and the waitress was bored and nice. They also have crazy omelet selections, like avocado and other things I don’t remember. Unfortunately, they close at something like 2 during the week. Here is their online menu.

Taj Mahal
Basically your average midwestern Indian place. They have beef on the menu, so that’s the “authenticity level.” Good paneer and malai kofta. I saw some people who might have been hipsters here once.

Sammie’s Family Restaurant
9804 Red Arrow Hwy, Bridgman, MI

In early June I took a camping trip to Warren Dunes State Park in Michigan with “the boyfriend” Wm., and some friends of his. After the first tedious morning of cooking breakfast over a fire, Wm.’s friend Nick made the decision to head into town for our next breakfast. We visted Sammie’s Family Restaurant, a diner-type place in Bridgman.

The first thing I noticed was that restaurants in Michigan still apparently have smoking sections. I know I point out smoking sections a lot in my reviews. This is mainly because they were illegal in my home state by the time I was old enough to buy a pack, so their legality in Ohio always seemed like sort of a novelty to me. They’ve been outlawed in Ohio since December ‘06 now, and recently became illegal in Fort Wayne (where I often go to visit Wm.) Yes, I do smoke, but usually when I dine I’m with non-smokers and tend to stay away from the smoking section, which was the case on this occassion.

The non-smoking section was slightly elevated above the smoking section, with a chest-height wall between them. I took advantage of my lofty position by staring at some tattooed biker guy who was seated in smoking.

The menu featured typical diner breakfast food, plus “skillets.” I think it said something about these skillets being world-famous or something. I really don’t remember. I chose a farmer’s omelet, which was some type of omelet with vegetables and cheese in it. The waitress asked if I’d like a half-order, and being both low on funds and not a “big eater,” I said yes. The obvious question is: so, was it a 1.5 egg omelet? I’d say it seemed more like at least two eggs. With homefries and toast, it was quite enough of a meal for me. The most interesting part of the omelet was the constrasting slices of white (provolone?) and orange (doubtlessly american) cheese on top of the omelet. Inside the omelet, the side with white cheese on top had orange cheese inside, and vice versa. Classy!

Wm. ordered some kind of French toast combo, then ate nothing but the French toast. At a later date he revealed to me that this was because he “unleashed on the bathroom.” This says far less about the quality of Sammie’s food than the overactivity of my boyfriend’s bowels. The other three in our party had various dishes, but I can’t remember them in detail.

Also, I tried some super-hot habanero hot sauce. It was flavorless and not really that hot. Yawn.

Drinks, my $4 half-order, Wm.’s half eaten French toast combo, and tip came to just under $14. The omelet was a steal. I am not letting my boyfriend order anything “combo” on my tab again.

Having recently lost the Creative Zen V mp3 player Jeff got me for Christmas last year, I decided to get another Zen product. I picked an 8GB player, which came in the mail on Friday. With the packaging was an older catalog for various Creative products (the player is apparently from 2005 — it’s brand new, but an older model), featuring various stik-on skins for the Zen Neeon. I was creeped out to find that one of the skins, is, apparently, a picture of me.


It’s the “punk rock” stik-on. There’s apparently also hip-hop, j-pop, and classical skins. I get the feeling that these are for the Japanese market, since I can’t really imagine Americans buying these.

From Wednesday night.

[00:52] k. vom.: ineed to get naked my boobs hurt
[00:52] t. zol: get the naked then.
[00:52] k. vom.: it’s done
[00:52] t. zol: you a fast at getting naked person.,
[00:53] k. vom.: i have a lot of practice at beng naekd
[00:53] t. zol: 38 years worth.
[00:53] k. vom.: did your grandma give yo a gpanada
[00:53] k. vom.: wahat?
[00:53] k. vom.: oh shit
[00:54] t. zol: did my grandmother give me canada?
[00:54] k. vom.: okay sure
[00:54] k. vom.: i an trying to CARE but i am too drunk
[00:54] t. zol: no, i know, it’s okay.
[00:54] k. vom.: EYEBROWS
[00:54] k. vom.: semi-colons;;;;;
[00:55] k. vom.: i shoul dhave semi colon eyebrows
[00:55] t. zol: i think wiggers do that.
[00:55] k. vom.: i tinknk YOU need a HAT
[00:55] k. vom.: of NOT BEING SO GAY
[00:55] t. zol: you’re pretty drunk, aren’t you?
[00:55] k. vom.: HA HA HA I’M CLEVER
[00:56] t. zol: HA HA JOKES
[00:56] k. vom.: yeah, i’m a good combinaion to drunk and tired
[00:56] t. zol: well, i just took two shots, so i’m gonna get drunk fast.
[00:56] k. vom.: nooo nOONO
[00:56] t. zol: hopefully having just eaten doesn’t get me feeling like crap.
[00:57] k. vom.: CRAPS IN THE BUTT SEVEN AND ELEVENTSY
[00:57] t. zol: i may be a quarter native-american, but i don’t know what you just said.
[00:57] k. vom.: doctor ice cube dre
[00:57] k. vom.: you may be a quarter native american, but you’re still just a white guy
[00:57] t. zol: your mother is a white guy.
[00:58] k. vom.: TRUE
[00:58] t. zol: and he doesn’t approve of your lifestyle.
[00:58] k. vom.: at least she didt have sex with a bear who was only half native american
[00:58] k. vom.: THAT BEAR IS HALF EUROPEAN GROSS
[00:58] t. zol: you know it!
[00:58] k. vom.: ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;””””
[00:59] t. zol: do your boobs still hurt?
[00:59] k. vom.: no
[00:59] k. vom.: they get confined in the shitrt
[00:59] t. zol: did you have a good performance tonight?
[00:59] k. vom.: okay eloes
[00:59] k. vom.: YOU KNOW
[01:00] t. zol: I DONT KNOW I WASNT THERE TO HEARS IT
[01:00] k. vom.: oh. well i drnkemd
[01:00] k. vom.: i mean drummed
[01:00] k. vom.: and the other one
[01:00] k. vom.: and recorded it
[01:00] t. zol: sweet fuck christ.
[01:00] k. vom.: BAS PICHINDA’
[01:00] t. zol: i don’t speak your crazy language.
[01:00] k. vom.: s
[01:01] k. vom.: okqy wo h5iw
[01:01] k. vom.: 2qi5
[01:01] k. vom.: i mena wait
[01:01] k. vom.: okay
[01:01] t. zol: alright.
[01:01] k. vom.: i forgot what i was going ot say.
[01:02] t. zol: it’s alright, you’re drunk.
[01:02] k. vom.: HIUTAIBAUH QUIETUEKTLZILQA
[01:02] k. vom.: ha ha ha ha
[01:02] t. zol: you typed “quiet” in there.
[01:02] k. vom.: i’m eiheter horny or i haev to pee
[01:02] k. vom.: or sleep
[01:03] t. zol: do you need to go check and see if you’re in need of a pee?
[01:03] k. vom.: i dunon
[01:03] k. vom.: olka
[01:03] k. vom.: Uhy
[01:03] k. vom.: kfaal;;
[01:03] k. vom.: Cdddddd
[01:03] t. zol: a combination of drunk and tired for you is pretty intense.
[01:04] k. vom.: h HA HA I’M WILLIAM TOUCH MY PARTAS
[01:04] k. vom.: 0kay, i’m gonna peee\
[01:04] t. zol: alright, do your pee thing.
[01:09] k. vom.: okay i pooped
[01:09] t. zol: i thought you were probably pooping.
[01:10] t. zol: was it an enjoyable poop?
[01:10] k. vom.: #2
[01:10] t. zol: #2 is an okay poop.
[01:11] t. zol: did you play a cover of “jamma jamma” tonight?
[01:11] k. vom.: no
[01:11] k. vom.: i am reallly sleep
[01:11] k. vom.: y
[01:12] t. zol: did you want to leave sometime soon? because my alcohol will probably kick in soon, as well.
[01:14] t. zol: or did you just fall asleep?

I think “Bremelo” by Sir Mix-A-Lot might be the only hip-hop song to reference the Washington State Ferry System.

For reasons beyond human understanding, Fort Wayne has an almost commercial-free “classic dance” radio station, which I ended up listening to a lot while I was there. I also found out they have an online stream, which I listened to for an hour this morning. Here are my notes on their playlist.

“We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes off to Have a Good Time” by Somebody
I agree, dry humping is pretty awesome. Nice “Casio Synth Bass #1″ setting.

“Scott to Be Real” by Some Disco Lady
Weird female basso singing happens randomly, along with someone saying “zoo zoo, zoo zoo.” Presence of actual electric bass = disco.

“Wiki Wiki Wiki Wiki” by Alternate Universe Skinny Puppy
Contains my favorite synth cowbell sound (hear Six Mix-a-Lot, “Swass,” for reference) and an “urban” Alvin and the Chipmunks. A guy says he was at Burger King and got a sack of Big Macs. What?

“Give me Golden Raindrops” by one of those high pitched early ’90’s guy singers
Guess what this song is about. C’mon, guess! Oh good, sleigh bells.

“Ragu Tanktop” by Sassy Lady
I think this song is from a workout video. Oh, that’s because it has a lot of synth claps in it. And that one bass part. . .you know. And that one sound that goes like “bwaaaaaa!” Wm: “I feel like I’m playing SimCity 2000. THIS SONG IS THE SOUND OF MY RESIDENTIAL ZONING GOING INTO OVERTIME!”

“Fila!” by Michael Jackson
TUUUBULAR BELLS SETTTTINNGGGGG. Once I recognized this song it wasn’t interesting anymore. Has anyone else noticed that Michael Jackson songs are really fucking boring? This one has a guitar in it so the kids must have liked it. Whatever.

“Dancing Weakly” by Some Disco People
Oh good, this song has counting and bongos in it. It’s gonna rock. Oh yes, indeed. Oh, and outer space sounds. This is my favorite song so far, even if the horns sound like the theme song from SNL.

Random Silence
This is pretty good. Might be John Cage? This station is pretty arty.

“Just a Cake that Runs Around in Heat” — the Radical Jheri Curl Crew
Ooooh, bad synth strings and rototoms! But now it’s just annoying. I like how she over-enunciates “ques-ti-on.”

“The “Doo Doo Doodoodoodoo Song” by C+C Music Factory or Maybe Someone Else
Do they play this song at basketball games or something? I recognize it. Except this really fruity part in the middle. OH SHIT SYNTH TOMS LOOK OUT!

“Everyone’s Waiting for Meat to Arrive” by Gwen Stefani or Someone I Can’t Tell From Gwen Stefani Anyway
This is some newer song I’ve heard in like tampon commercials. Fuck that.

“Moopy Nite!” by Disco Disco Dudes
Thank Christ, more disco. “Party nite, booty nite, moopy nite.” Has vocal harmonizing and crazy ass synthesizer part that comes out of nowhere. And about five words in the whole song, just like a good disco song should.

Station ID with one call in by black person and three call ins by white people approving of “The Vibe”: Is really funny.

“I Know You Fucked Me, White Boy” by like a shitty version of TLC that didn’t burn down anyone’s houses
This song is by one of those ladies who goes like “woow woowowow dododdododo” to prove she can sing or something. It mainly makes me picture random people from minimum wage jobs I’ve had singing along out of tune with it. And sucks.

“Don’t Smoke Buddha, Can’t Stand Incest” by C+C Music Factory, or Maybe Someone Else Again
You know this song. You know, that sample of “Woo! Yeah” for like half an hour with some guy rapping about stuff. You know?

“Girls Roll Air Force One” – by Some Other Disco Dudes
Is this song “Another One Bites the Dust?” Oh, I guess not. I bet it’s the same people. I hate Eric Burdon. He’s not in this song, that was just a thought.

“Oh God, Not This Song” by That One Video from Beavis and Butthead
This song is less “classic dance” than it is “annoying ’80’s retro crap.” Ughhhh. Though I like it more now that I realized it’s about frottage. “Doin’ it pole to pole.”

“Woo, My Christmas Stick” by Those People with that One Music Video
“It’s not the love you make when the house is on fire.” Maybe this one is by TLC. I bet “house burning down sex” is really hot. PUN.

“Sweater Sweater Poop” by Shitty Jackson Five Wannabe Band
Song starts with piano slide and “wheeeee!!” Then it starts sucking really fast. Annoying fretless muted slap bass. Even the robot voice sucks. “I’ve been to a catholic show a little bit so they call me vanilla chai?”

“Hey George Lowe, Wanna Get Down?” by Disco Ladies
Ooh, real strings AND flute. This is high class disco. Some guy says “YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA.” After the last song, this sounds like complete fucking genius. Millionaire genius. Song contains the word dance, and things that rhyme with dance, as well as crazy, and things that rhyme with crazy.

If I never see another php file, it will be too soon.

My favorite videogame that I will never play.